friend: “I can’t hear out of my left ear and it’s shark week in my pants, so.”
Submitted by: thirdeyeblinking
“If he’s white and it’s erect, it has to be pink.”
“Well it was white.”
“Maybe that’s some vampire shit he’s got.”
Submitted by: thirdeyeblinking
friend 1: Should I buy a strap-on?
friend 2: Why pay $70 for something you can do yourself?
Submitted by: thirdeyeblinking
“If I were Lord Voldemort, all of my horcruxes would be in my papers.”
On writing papers about your feelings
Submitted by: yourpartnerincrime
Person 1: IT’S LOUD HOUR BITCHES
…
half an hour later
…
Person 2: Never have I ever had braces!
Submission by: ofcourseitshappeninginyourhead
OH! I thought that branch was a llama outside my window.
Submitted by: ofcourseitshappeninginyourhead
“Guacamole or mold? The eternal questions of a college student.”
Submitted by: yourpartnerincrime
1. Uhm. Just wanted to let you know there’s a little bit of mold there on the corner of that.
2. Oh don’t worry that’s just guac.
1. Uhm…
2. oh. yep. its mold.
Submitted by: wonderwhale
“My stomach literally looks like I have a four-month-old baby in there.”
overheard in Bates
Submitted by: queerfemmebabble
