"It’s not even turn down for what, or even turn up for down - it’s like we’re slightly revolving."

On Poptarts: “They’re not the toasty strudel I want them to be.”

No excuses

"Being tired is not an excuse. And [friend], cotillion is definitely not an excuse!"

"Oh my gosh, could you imagine making out to the sounds of racism in the background?"

"I want mirrors to follow me everywhere so that I know that I’m hot."

"Get it, in more ways than one!"

Gotta dress up

"I dreamed about you telling me to wear business casual to brunch! So I was like ok, gotta dress up."

"Like if you want to do a breast cancer awareness month concert, you could play women/empowering music, like Beyonce or Clara Schumann!"

"Wait - I could get a meal, then a kids meal, and it would be totally fine!"

"No, you aren’t doing that."

"Don’t tell me what to do!"

Genetics…pssh

"Other than the fact that we’re different races, we could totally pass for each others’ daughters."

When science fails

My science pen doesn’t work! Science has failed me for the last time. 

LBD

What is a good little black dress for a banana?

What?

Like for the body type? Like no boobs or butt?

What kind of bananas are you eating? 

"College is just one really intelligent nudist colony."

"Dylan O’Brien is the most attractive Irish man I know. Sorry Brad."

"I particularly like this book because it has high quality footnotes."