"Did you say ‘these hos don’t know?’"

"No! Why would I say that? I said ‘these hos ain’t loyal.’”

"Just to clarify - I am way hotter than him, right?"

—Bingo!!!!!

groans and then pause

—Biitch

"Why won’t this log me in? Sakai, why are you being a little bitch?"

You’re a UU? I thought you were bi?

"I don’t need anyone critiquing my writing! I’ve already had a creative writing class today!"

"Guys, it’s Tindr"

"I saw her tits so hardcore"

"Captain American. The saddest Avenger."

"Out by Christmas - it’s like the gay version of Ring by Spring."

Uterus feelings

"I can’t figure out how much of this is uterus related and how much of this is real feelings!"

Confucius Crush

"Guys, I can’t deal with this level of Candy Crush."

"What? You’re playing Candy Crush?!"

"I need a break after Confucius!!"

Rule #1: Don’t touch other people’s balls.

Like that Jimmy John’s commercial

"I read very fast! I could read the third Harry Potter book while watching the movie!"

"Wowwwww"

"How are you guys not impressed with this? This is how I pick up guys at the bar. Like, ‘I read real fast. Reallll fast.’ You guys suck."

"Could you do the fourth book and the fourth movie?"

"No, actually, I tried that."

Crack at Lulu

"What are they be putting on these garlic knots?? It must be crack."

"You want to go to a bar? Let’s go pick up some professors!